Continued from day 1.
These next entries pick up less than two weeks after yesterday’s last entry. They take place over the course of a week. I wrote in my journal every day at this point, sometimes multiple times a day. I had started working with a nutritionist once my parents suspected something was wrong and she encouraged me to write as much as I wanted and we could talk about what I wrote. I can’t believe how deep I was in it and how every day seemed worse, even over the course of a week! Photos get very sparse from this time through the end of the summer.
This is a really hard time for me. I’m practically anorexic but my nutritionist caught it before it could get worse. Nobody understands how hard it its. Everyone’s always like “eat, eat!” but I can’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m all messed up on the inside! My grades aren’t suffering from this, luckily.
My friends aren’t too crazy about me losing all of this weight, like I’m a threat to them now that I finally have a good body too. They think I’m anorexic, like that’s the only way I could possibly have lost this much weight. It really hurts me when Nicole calls me [anorexic]. Yesterday she made a slide remark, something like “Well are you going to go throw up now?” It hurts me a lot!
This month’s been a hard one with friends. I don’t feel like I can really talk to any of them.
Today wasn’t really a great day. For some reason, they (friends) ignored me and well, I honestly felt like they treated me like shit (please, excuse the language but it’s the truth). My life is really a mess, not school-work wise but my emotions and feelings. Well, I have to go & do my homework but if I have time, I’ll write again.
-I just ate supper, what I’m supposed to, and I feel really yucky & fat. I feel like I’m going to gain weight, that people can already tell the difference. Well, I’m off to basketball practice now and I’m going to burn off all that fat and calories.
-I hate this! I barely even broke a sweat at my 2-hour practice. I barely got any exercise today and I feel so fat! This is so frustrating. All I can think about is gaining back the weight, letting the fat sit there instead of being burned. I know one day really won’t make a difference but that’s the way it seems to me!
It’s hard, everywhere you go you see these images of what, in my head, you have to live up to. And, every time I start to feel comfortable with my body again – wham – I see something that tells me, “No, you should be thinner.”
Even though everyone keeps paying me compliments and say I look alright, I still feel fat. This is so hard! I used to be so happy, carefree, bubbly and now I’m just, well, I feel almost like a burden. I can remember I could not wait to eat, it would always give me pleasure.
What happened to me? I am a mess! I’m glum, isolated, unhappy, all the things I never thought I’d be. How can I do this to myself, you ask. But the answer is – I don’t know why! It’s a fear, I think, of gaining back the weight. But, what about the happiness? In the last few days I realize how much I’m really missing it.
I wish I could just be normal & toned, not have to think about exercise, eating, all of that stuff. I think I’ve actually made my family more miserable. I think this because every time I see one of my family members (which doesn’t seem too often because I’m isolating myself more & more) I’m only fighting with them.
This is so unbelievably hard & frustrating (I need to extend my vocab, I know). I never thought it would be like this. I thought that after I lost the weight I’d be even happier, but I’m actually miserable.
The littlest things can remind me of weight, I need to exercise, I have to (unfortunately) eat. Reading a book, doing a math problem, music, my locker. Strange, weird little things in them hint that I need to do something about the way I look, now! I know that sounds weird and twisted, but that’s how I think, my brain thinks.
Stay tuned tomorrow. As always, I welcome comments and questions! Thanks for stopping by!