Journal Day 2/National Eating Disorders Awareness Week

Continued from day 1.

These next entries pick up less than two weeks after yesterday’s last entry. They take place over the course of a week. I wrote in my journal every day at this point, sometimes multiple times a day. I had started working with a nutritionist once my parents suspected something was wrong and she encouraged me to write as much as I wanted and we could talk about what I wrote. I can’t believe how deep I was in it and how every day seemed worse, even over the course of a week! Photos get very sparse from this time through the end of the summer.

6/5/96

This is a really hard time for me. I’m practically anorexic but my nutritionist caught it before it could get worse. Nobody understands how hard it its. Everyone’s always like “eat, eat!” but I can’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m all messed up on the inside! My grades aren’t suffering from this, luckily.

My friends aren’t too crazy about me losing all of this weight, like I’m a threat to them now that I finally have a good body too. They think I’m anorexic, like that’s the only way I could possibly have lost this much weight. It really hurts me when Nicole calls me [anorexic]. Yesterday she made a slide remark, something like “Well are you going to go throw up now?” It hurts me a lot!

This month’s been a hard one with friends. I don’t feel like I can really talk to any of them.

June 1996 outside school

6/10/96

Today wasn’t really a great day. For some reason, they (friends) ignored me and well, I honestly felt like they treated me like shit (please, excuse the language but it’s the truth). My life is really a mess, not school-work wise but my emotions and feelings. Well, I have to go & do my homework but if I have time, I’ll write again.

-I just ate supper, what I’m supposed to, and I feel really yucky & fat. I feel like I’m going to gain weight, that people can already tell the difference. Well, I’m off to basketball practice now and I’m going to burn off all that fat and calories.

-I hate this! I barely even broke a sweat at my 2-hour practice. I barely got any exercise today and I feel so fat! This is so frustrating. All I can think about is gaining back the weight, letting the fat sit there instead of being burned. I know one day really won’t make a difference but that’s the way it seems to me!

6/14/96

It’s hard, everywhere you go you see these images of what, in my head, you have to live up to. And, every time I start to feel comfortable with my body again – wham – I see something that tells me, “No, you should be thinner.”

Even though everyone keeps paying me compliments and say I look alright, I still feel fat. This is so hard! I used to be so happy, carefree, bubbly and now I’m just, well, I feel almost like a burden. I can remember I could not wait to eat, it would always give me pleasure.

What happened to me? I am a mess! I’m glum, isolated, unhappy, all the things I never thought I’d be. How can I do this to myself, you ask. But the answer is – I don’t know why! It’s a fear, I think, of gaining back the weight. But, what about the happiness? In the last few days I realize how much I’m really missing it.

I wish I could just be normal & toned, not have to think about exercise, eating, all of that stuff. I think I’ve actually made my family more miserable. I think this because every time I see one of my family members (which doesn’t seem too often because I’m isolating myself more & more) I’m only fighting with them.

This is so unbelievably hard & frustrating (I need to extend my vocab, I know). I never thought it would be like this. I thought that after I lost the weight I’d be even happier, but I’m actually miserable.

The littlest things can remind me of weight, I need to exercise, I have to (unfortunately) eat. Reading a book, doing a math problem, music, my locker. Strange, weird little things in them hint that I need to do something about the way I look, now! I know that sounds weird and twisted, but that’s how I think, my brain thinks.

Stay tuned tomorrow. As always, I welcome comments and questions! Thanks for stopping by!

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10 thoughts on “Journal Day 2/National Eating Disorders Awareness Week

  1. Wow, again! You are so brave for posting this, first of all. Second, I love to read this, I know you are in a better place now, and it makes me so sad and worried to think of all the 13 year olds out there going through those emotions we all went through at the time… it’s too bad we kind of forget about it..

    • Thank you! 🙂 Glad you’re enjoying it. I know; think of the additional pressures they have now to look great what with Facebook, Instagram, and texting pictures. That’s something I didn’t have to deal with at all.

  2. I see so much of myself in how you write. Even though my issues with myself didn’t manifest as an eating disorder, I was/am a perfectionist and held/hold myself to a crazy standard I would never hold anyone else to. Apologizing for swearing is something I probably did in my own journal–I am supposed to be a certain (perfect) way, other people are “normal” and don’t struggle like I do, etc. I think perfectionism leads to all sorts of obsessive behaviors–I used to be a nail biter, for instance. I am activly working on addressing those obsessive tendancies, like giving myself a break if I don’t work out as much as I used to, etc. Trying to be happy with myself internally without considering how I compare to others. That was hard as a kid and is still hard now!

    • That cracked me up that I apologized for swearing. I noticed it more than once.

      I think we are kindred spirits. 🙂 We sound quite similar. It’s good that you recognize that being a perfectionist is not a healthy thing. I’ve been able to let go some of my perfectionist tendencies, but I still struggle with it. Do you find it’s gotten easier to recognize and deal with over the years?

      • I agree we are very similar! For me the urges to be perfect are still there and maybe always will be, but I’m a lot better at recognizing those urges so I can tell myself I’m being silly; I’d never judge someone else like I’m judging myself, etc. I guess my coping techniques are better. And that may lead to me having fewer urges to be perfect. A quote I like is “the perfect is the enemy of the good”. My mom told me that and it’s so true–“good” is sufficient most of the time, and by being happy with good I can save the exhaustion of trying for perfect.

      • We are usually our own worst critics. I tell my husband sometimes, “I don’t know how you deal with me all the time, because sometimes I can’t stand myself!” He looks at me like I’m crazy and says I’m way too hard on myself. We should learn to see ourselves reflected in others’ eyes–it’s much nicer than in our own!

        I agree with you on letting things be good enough. I stall so many house projects because I need them to be done perfectly. If I’m going to put in the effort, it might as well be perfect, right? Again, husband to the rescue, who reminds me that whatever we do, it will look much better than it currently does and I will get so much satisfaction out of having it done and improved instead of driving myself crazy over making sure it’s perfect. And you know what? He’s right. Husbands and moms are quite wise!

        Sounds like we both need to work on letting go. I’ve heard it’s quite freeing. 🙂

      • The stuff your husband says to you is what I try to tell myself. It’s good advice!

  3. […] Good morning! If you’re just joining in, feel free to start reading here or you can back up and check out day 1 and day 2. […]

  4. […] recovery from anorexia. If you missed the first few entries, feel free to go back and read day 1, day 2, and day 3. I’ll do mostly summarizing from here on out otherwise this week-long share […]

  5. […] they can have that as well. If you missed last week’s series, you can go back to read day 1, day 2, day 3, and day 4 before continuing below if you […]

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